GO TELL MOM s4e5 – The “I’ll Do It Later Trap”
I wanted to talk about procrastination in this podcast, but I kept putting it off. My dad used to say I was a procrastinating champion.
When I was a kid, my mother was always nagging me to finish things – my homework, the dishes, organizing my closet. I just couldn’t seem to get it done in her timeframe. I’d like to say I eventually outgrew my procrastination, but even as an adult, I’d crave deadlines – and then creep up to them at the last gasp. I swear, that’s one of the reasons I went into radio: to make sure I had a finish line that I had to reach at a certain time.
I’d like to say I trained my kids to do better than their mom, but not really. In my daughter’s case, it’s usually that she wants to make sure that her tasks are done perfectly. HealthyChildren.org says perfectionist kids set unrealistically high standards for themselves, and then worry about failing. Hence, the reluctance to finish the job. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests focusing on the process rather than the outcome. Do you like having your clothes that are in the same color hanging together, or would you rather see all the pants in a group, or all the summer clothes in one section? The process can actually be fun.
Of course, there are times when you have a not-fun task, like a science project. My daughter would find the easiest project to do because it’s not her jam, but my son would get jazzed, come up with this really creative idea, start working on it…and stall out. In his case, he’d finally recognize the enormity of what he’d chosen to accomplish and feel overwhelmed. Like the time he decided to make a camel for class in second grade, to explain how they saved water. We’re talking a paper mache camel about the size of a Great Dane. The night before it was due, I was helping him soak and wrap strips of newspaper around the frame he’d constructed, and then use a hair dryer to make it dry enough to paint. Fortunately he had a wagon to prop it in so he could when it up the street to school.
Kids frequently procrastinate on projects when they feel overwhelmed or are not clear on the instructions. Anna Levy-Warren says in Organizational Tutors says it’s all about breaking assignments into manageable pieces. Set up a schedule for the project. Figure out what needs to be done – like my son designing his camel, building his frame, then tearing paper into strips and dipping them in modge podge, then wrapping the frame, then drying the wrapped creature, then painting it the color of a camel. And when it’s done? Take a picture of the masterpiece and let him know you’re proud that he accomplished the task.
So why do parents procrastinate? (Because you know we do!) Gee, what a mystery. I’d tell myself I’d bring the clothes from the laundry upstairs to put away before I got to an editing project. And somehow that turned into reorganizing a drawer, checking email, and Googling something I absolutely did not need…
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Chasity Baugh from chattanoogamoms.com says procrastination isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s a gentle reminder that sometimes we need a little time to breathe, to think, to gather our thoughts. When we leave something on the to-do list for a little longer than we’d like, we’re giving ourselves space to think about whether it’s something that really needs to be done today. Sometimes, it can wait until tomorrow or, better yet, it’s not as urgent as we thought.
Unless of course, it’s getting your tax forms in.
GO TELL MOM – s4e7 - WHEN TO STOP FIXING
My mom was a champion fixer. When something was broken, her first reaction was, “How can we repair this?” Could be a toy, could be a pair of pants – she was great when it came to strategically stitching on a couple of appliques, could be a piece of furniture – like when my brother and sister were fighting over who gets to sit in the rocking chair and they cracked one of the rockers, or it could be the washing machine. Who knows what I threw in there that made it stop working.
Actually, the washer was Dad’s domain – his dad taught him how to make one of those suckers last a couple of decades. But Mom would turn to him first, before hunting for a new one. Or, in our house, a newly-refurbished one.
When we grew older, it was bike chains, book bags, pocketbooks….then it was castoff furniture for student living quarters and second-hand typewriters. Keep in mind, in each of these cases, Mom and Dad would step in, and many times, we’d step back as they fixed the problem.
Finally, it was cars. Growing up, we had only one until my sister was in high school. But when I moved back home for my internship to finish my graduate degree, Dad talked to my grandparents, who were just about to buy a new one, and were happy to hand their old one over to me. They fixed it.
When I moved into my first real apartment, Mom and Dad helped me move. Mom had helped me move every year I was at Syracuse – a six hour drive from my parents’ house. The deal was Dad would pack the car, and Mom would make the trek to school and back. She had a stash in the attic of stuff she’d replaced downstairs over the years, and some of it invariably made the ride to the new place. Again, parents to the rescue.
Now, it’s not like I was lazy, just ignorant when it came to these kind of things. As I got older, Mom would usually have me sitting by her side when she was stitching, or working on a piece of furniture, and she’d have me work on it with her sometimes. She’d drag me to auctions, Dad took me to flea markets, so at some point, I’d be able to bargain hunt on my own.
Did they do too much for us? Probably. But I did learn a few things about adulting while they were doing it – they made sure of it. Every move I made to all the places I lived, I did the lion’s share of packing. Just like I learned from Dad. If something broke, I’d use a little glue, a little paint, and make the repair. Just like I learned from Mom.
I’ve tried to teach my kids the same way, but I’ll confess – I tended to step in way more than I should have. Susan Swindell Day from Nashville Parent says there are two types of fixer parenting: the reactive – where the parent jumps in after chaos hits – like fights between siblings, emotional meltdowns, messy rooms; and the proactive – where parents are in protect mode, monitoring emails, texts, driving speed, and teacher conversations.
She spells out several empowering parenting methods. The first is giving yourself a talking to before you jump in to save the day. Ask yourself if your kid can actually fix this on their own. Then ask yourself, if I don’t fix this, what is the worst that can happen? Susan suggests being a coach not a carrier. Brainstorm with them, encourage them to problem solve, and let them do the hard stuff – even if it looks messy. They’re making their own choices that way.
Tracy Hargen from Grown and Flown says that while we, as parents, delegate and plan ahead, when a crisis pops up, the phrase “I’ve got this” tends to pop out. That’s because we’re programmed to do what needs to be done – even if it means a dash to Walmart to pick up supplies for a project due tomorrow, or a special calculator for a math exam – also tomorrow. Or a quick email to a teacher about your kid being bullied in class. How do our kids learn responsibility from us stepping in and taking over?
They don’t. And the way you fix their problem may not be the way they needed the problem to be fixed. Dashing off an email or zipping to the store at the last minute without talking it over with your kid takes them out of the process and teaches them nothing about responsibility. No matter what kind of lecture you deliver later. Instead of saying “I’ve got this,” maybe ask your kid, “How do you think you can handle this?”
Social therapy practitioner Linda Smallbones points out that our kids’ feelings can trigger over-protection, a fear response, and “rescue mode.” But the best gift we can give them is not “fixing” for them, but journeying with them. It’s the best way to turn a potentially bad experience into a rewarding one, where the kid learns they can do hard, uncomfortable things and get through them.
Go Tell Mom blog
GO TELL MOM s4e4 – The New Family Vacation
Remember what it was like when you were a kid, traveling with the family for summer vacation? Or maybe winter vacation. My folks would always have both time and route planned out carefully – whether it was renting a cottage on a lake island in New Hampshire or driving to see the relatives in Oklahoma.
When my kids were young, their parents would do the same thing – except it usually involved Disney or something similar in some way, shape or form. Plane tickets or car ride, it was usually fraught with drama from my youngest, who objected to the length of travel, waiting in line for anything, and not getting into the car – or booth – or seat – first. My ex husband did most of the planning for these events, since his specialty was PR, and he usually knew who to call to make the best deals.
I was the one who handled the packing and organizing who took care of our furbabies while we were gone. “Fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants” was not the way we rolled. Actually, before the kids, we tried that once, and discovered we were not fated to be the impetuous traveling duo. EVERY hotel, motel and teepee in coastal Maine was booked during the week of the fourth of July. We finally ended up at my parents’ place in New Hampshire.
In this century, families are more likely to use a family vacation template to make the family holiday less stressful. Craft.do has a detailed plan that outlines specifics of your trip, ranging from departure times and accommodations to daily activities to packing lists. They break it down into sections, and even include bucket lists. The theory is that with every detail in one place, you can easily manage all aspects of your travels. I, on the other hand, would theorize that by the end of the trip, that template would be covered in crayon and hot sauce.
Dr. John Grohol says in Medium the idea that a family vacation is a chance to get away, put aside your worries, and focus on what’s important in life is a fairy tale. We think Clark Griswald might agree. Grohol calls it a test of everything that defines a family and couplehood. Think about it: how many of us agree with family members on what constitutes “fun?” And how much alone time do you get when you’re out with the posse? Let’s face it – we all need alone time! You may find your family gets psychologically and emotionally worn down as the vacation progresses.
Grohol says even kids need their own space and time, and if you’re packing activities into 16 hours a day, something’s gonna give. Usually it’s someone’s temper.
But that doesn’t mean skip the vacations. They’ve become family rituals, and Carla Crespo says in the Journal of Family Theory and Review that those rituals are building blocks for creating meaningful family connections. Family rituals are at the heart of the human experience of being part of a family. Not to mention they produce great stories to laugh about in your golden years.
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Welcome to our version of “Mum Sense!”
We chew on stuff you’d talk about with your mom. Or maybe not. Advice that moms would give...if they were research ninjas. Or maybe not. Crazy things that happen when moms and families get together...and how to deal with the drama. Or maybe not. Come share the adventure with us!
My rescue muse sitting on my lap in my home office, telling me yes, you need to send out that query to the agent that asked for it and then take me for a walk!
GO TELL MOM s4e3 – Work From Home Hacks (Without Losing Your Mind)
Remember when we thought working from home meant coffee in pajamas and never having to wear a pantsuit again? Yeah… and then it turned into back-to-back Zoom calls, mystery snack breaks, and realizing you haven’t gone outside in 36 hours. And that’s BEFORE you factor in the kids.
Staying on top of the workload when you’re a parent working from home is not an easy juggling act. It’s so easy to think, “I can knock this project out before I pick up the kids.” But then something interrupts the rhythm, like a delivery or a call from school or your up-til-now blissfully quiet furbabies decide it’s the perfect time to bark furiously at a leaf that dared to tumble in your yard. For an hour.
How do you get work-from-home to work for you? Or does it?
Research out of Stanford shows remote workers are often more productive — but they also work longer hours. Harvard Business Review has reported higher burnout when boundaries blur. So yes, we’re efficient… but are we okay? I liked the idea that “This is when my work part of the day starts, and this is when it ends.” It made it easy to close the door and not feel guilty about focusing on my family and the interests that make me feel like a person.
Dr. Cathleen Clerkin from Candid.com says you need to set boundaries when home is your workplace. Like creating a transition routine when you start your work shift, and when you end it. You do NOT work in your pajamas, because it makes you think more like laundry day, not work day…besides, then it’s harder to stay comfortable in those pajamas when you’re NOT working. Pull a Mr. Rogers…change your shoes and your jacket when you’re in work mode, and ditch the shoes for sneakers and a cardigan sweater when you’re back in “at home” mode. Have a shutdown ritual.
You also need a dedicated workspace – one that you don’t use as space to fold laundry or have the kids play with friends. The guest room my son usually uses when he visits has, unfortunately for him, become my dedicated space. The more work I brought home, the more I encroached on what was originally a charming little space dominated by a bed. He only whines a little, because he stays there maybe four days a year.
A computer, an editor, a microphone – all part of my workspace. Clerkin says use tech to your advantage in your home office. Block off time in your calendar for focused work, close other apps during this time, and let others know you’re not available. Use the “schedule send” option to write emails when it works best for you and send them when it works best for the recipient. Heck, use an alarm app to let yourself know when the day is done. It’s important to detach from your work – it helps you sleep, lowers your stress level and improves your mood. And let’s face it – it staves off burnout. Try exercising, socializing, working on a hobby with your kids. It gets you back in the world again.
Personally, I missed people when COVID hit. Coworkers. People who actually gave a damn if I was there…or, at least I hoped they did! Data from Gallup shows many remote workers struggle more with feeling connected to coworkers. I can believe it. Working from home isn’t going away. So maybe it’s less about mastering it and more about managing it in a way that protects your sanity.